One:
I slink around the bend of the chair and hope, just hope she will reach down and touch me. I watch as she lights her cigarette and then looks in my direction. "Oh you scared me!" she says as she reaches down to stroke my head.
Today has been a good day. The sun was bright so I basked in the yard on the warm grass. As I stretched I purred and felt the hard grass between my toes. Who knows how long I slept in that sun, but I can't think of a better way to spend an afternoon.
The rest of the day I hid from the kids. But even that was fun! When the youngest came near me I would bat at her (not to hurt, just to scare) and then inwardly feel pleased when she cried to her mother. "Bad kitty!" doesn't mean much to me. That's just what she says when I have been having a little fun at the tiny humans expense.
And yet as I watch her put that cigarette into her mouth I inwardly plead to her to pet me. I slink between her legs and purr. But she is still mad, and now I feel aggravated that she won't scratch an itch that I just can't seem to reach.
So as she sits in the lawn chair I bump her three different times with my head. Still nothing. The lady is making weird sounds, kid of like a kitten mewing and this aggravates me. I want her to rub me damnit!!!!
So I reach up and swat her with my paw, only allowing one claw to actually catch on her. She yelps, laughs and then says something like "Well at least you need me." as she reaches down to pet me. Her face is wet, I notice, as she leans in and rubs from my head to my tail.
People are odd.
Two:
Oh yes, do you ever wonder what it is like to feel as though you were going mad? Well I will tell you. Sometimes it is seeing yourself in the mirror but thinking it is someone else. Other times it is sitting at your desk and feeling like the walls are closing in on you. You can't breathe. You can't think. But you think too much.
I am so tired of this. Tonight I don't know if I could have kept up my mask of normalcy around other people. It is what it is but I try to hide it.
I don't think I could have for that 20 or so minutes that I thought I would lose it. I wanted to ball up in a corner. Not to cry, I have no tears anymore. I am numb except to feel fear and adoration of my children.
I thought about my best friend. She is more like a sister, in fact she is exactly like a sister to me. I thought about when we get older. Will I be able to take care of her? Will she look out for me? I can't imagine growing old without her. It sounds like I am in love with her, but she is a soulmate not a lover type for me. This is the one person who I feel most myself around. She understands and we don't judge each other no matter what.
So my ascent from darkness was thinking of us as little old ladies. And not regular old ladies. We will be the ones in the nursing home talking about the hot young orderlies.
While that is all fine and dandy I still hate the paranoia that overcomes me sometimes. The detachment. All of it.
I think about going back to work, but what would happen if I freaked out like that at work? I have been severely paranoid at work on more than one occasion. I have thought someone was looking at me too hard, thought they were talking trash about me. I secluded myself and made very little contact with my co workers. I read books during lunch so I wouldn't be bothered. But I don't think could have handled it if I had been at work tonight.
Wondering if I didn't overdo it today. I went out to lunch with my best friend. We talked and it was okay. Then I went and did a layaway for the kids Christmas presents. Still was okay, somewhat better than the last time I went out Christmas shopping last week. But tonight, holy hell I felt like I was going to fucking lose it. Oh, I went to the grocery store tonight too.
I had an image of me driving off of the bridge on the way to the grocery store. I do not WANT these thoughts. But I laughed to myself, for some reason I found it humorous. I hate when those thoughts pop up. They scare me, and yet they occupy my mind.
I try to occupy my mind at all times. If I do this then the scary thoughts are less frequent. They still happen but at a much slower pace. That is something that I can deal with. It isn't fun but it isn't... I don't know how to describe it.
Took 4 benadryl tonight to help me sleep. It somewhat worked last night. I still woke up SEVERAL times but there was improvement.
I am going to be really low key tomorrow. I think I need it.
Three:
(from my book Ancients which I have copyrighted all content, though it remains unfinished at this point)
Third Chapter:
Jake looked at the beautiful redhead sitting on the rock. The sun sparkled off the multifacets of red and blond and her eyes twinkled in the light. As always his breath was taken, thinking she looked more like an Egyptian goddess than a human being. “Come on Keltie, it is safe. Are you going to chicken out again?” he asked over his shoulder.
The harness was on tight. Almost too tight. Keltie looked over the falls and saw the rushing, cold water beneath her. She was scared all right. This was a very long way down, and how strong was the harness REALLY? “Jake, I don’t know about this.” She said, eyes scared and wide. Inside she thought “A bungee jump? Really? Does he want to die?” as she paced back and forth.
Jake became impatient. “You said you would do this. Come on, it is totally safe. Look, I have done this a hundred times at least. You fall and then the cord stops you. Completely safe.” He motioned to the cord attached to the harness.
Keltie was not scared for herself. She was an ancient, she would never die. The thought of being a survivor made her terrified. She had been in that place before. Watching as someone elses life ebbed away, knowing she would not join them and knowing she couldn’t do anything about it. “No Jake! Don’t!” she screamed as he smiled and jumped off the side. Without another thought she jumped as well, following Jake in fear for his life.
“MOM NO!” she heard the screaming whisper in her head as she felt the cool rush of air. Kelties eyes streamed with tears and her breath was gone. Closer, closer the ground came and all she could think of was protecting Jake. In the chaos of wind and motion she focused on his bungee cord with all the power she had. No sound came from her as she murmured the ancients prayer for safety. Her heart beat and she never felt the bounce of her own cord, the jarring semsation of going up and then back down and up again. All Keltie could do was concentrate on that damn cord, with tears streaming down and up her cheeks.
A flashback of Wyn’s lifeless body flashed before Keltie’s eyes as she passed out. In her blackness she felt the cold hand of the 16 year old girl. She had only wanted to marry. Why did they kill her? Keltie could feel the soft cotton of the dress, the silkiness of the veil. The smell of her daughters blood.
Keltie awoke crying, laying on the grass next to the top of the falls. Before she could think about it she said “She never called me mom.” and started bawling like an infant. Jake looked confused and distraught as the beautiful woman in front of him gulped air and cried. Even after five years there were things that Keltie kept locked away from him, but who never called her mom? Deciding to ignore the comment he scooped Keltie into his lap and cradled her much like a father would do with an inconsolable child.
Keltie felt Jake murmuring to her that everything would be okay, but she didn’t hear the words. She heard the screams of her fellow clan and the sound of metal piercing flesh. This lasted less than a minute, but it felt like a lifetime. Once she felt composed again she wiped away the tears and turned to Jake, glaring.
Oh no, what must he think? I just passed out and mentioned Wyn.
“Are you fucking crazy Jake? I told you not to do this! I thought you would chicken out! You!” she yelled while slapping his chest in fury. Jake stood up abruptly and Keltie spilled from his lap in the process. “Why would I chicken out? This was MY idea. I invited you because you didn’t want me to be alone! In fact, you seemed excited!” he bellowed, angry and confused.
That was until Margo saw your death.
“Yes, I was. But no wait, I wasn’t. I don’t know how to explain this. I just feel scared, scared of losing you. Scared of losing the one person who loves me for me. And he wants to throw himself off a cliff and dangle by a mother fucking string?” Keltie yelled, holding her arms wide out in disbelief.
“I can’t handle this Keltie. I love you, but this is who I am. I like to bungee. I like white water rafting. I like riding horses. All these things that scare you and you cry every time. But this is the damn icing, passing out and then beating on me for doing something you KNEW I was going to do? It’s insane babe, completely insane.” Jake said in a loud voice, pacing back and forth angrily.
Keltie felt as though icy cold water hit her entire body. Insane? She composed herself as best she could. Wiping away the tears and running her hands through her hair, she slowly rose facing away from Jake. “Jake, I am going to call you later or something.” She said as if in a fog, digging the keys to the jeep out of her pocket. “I’m sorry Keltie. You aren’t crazy. Look, I didn’t mean that.” Jake said, trying to put an arm around her waist and draw her to him. Keltie stepped away and put a hand up, wanting him to not touch her at the moment. Jake looked confused, and angry all at once. Without another word Keltie turned around and walked to her Jeep.
That's all for now folks, but I look forward to reading others submissions!
