Monday, April 25, 2011 By: Unconditionally You

Have a Happy Period? (by Melissa)

I wonder what kind of masochist came up with that catch phrase? I know I am not the first woman to scoff at that "Have a happy period" nonsense that Always maxi pads tried to sell to us. But I feel particularly surly towards it today. My cousin Jenn was telling me about a line in a movie she saw this weekend. It went something like "I feel like I have a crime scene in my underwear" in regards to the actress speaking about her period. I can relate. Except my whole lower abdominal and back region feels like, at the very least, the scene of an assault.

How does a woman have a happy period? Well we don't, that's for sure. I have chugged Advil this morning and worked out lightly to loosen the muscles and try to ease the tension. Hahahaha, yeah. Heat works for a little while. Having the man massage my lower back works too, but unfortunately I can't carry him around behind me all day. So I suck it up and try to ignore it. Stupid period.

And of course we have the fun of wearing our apparatus to deal with the flow. I can't wear a tampon. As much as I would love to be able to, they are not comfortable to me. So, I get to wear a pad. This is the closest thing to a diaper I have worn since childhood. And did you all know they make pads for thongs? Not that I wear a thong, anything my butt crack can eat is pointless to wear. But a pad for a thong? Why? Nevermind, I don't want to know.

There's also this nifty device called a Diva Cup. I haven't tried it yet, but I probably will just because I am adventurous. Basically you take this soft cup and insert it at the opening to your cervix and it catches the flow. You rinse it out and pop it back in. Sounds great right? Except I am the queen of spills and blood isn't exactly easy to wash out of things. So yeah, that's kind of holding me back.

So apparatus and Advil aside, what the hell is supposed to make me have a happy period? I only have one idea in mind.

Chocolate wine anyone? Alcohol and chocolate in one. I deem this the perfect "period" beverage.